Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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