Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
BRING THE BAGELS
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
