I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
