i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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