How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
