i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
