She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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