Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
