Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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