You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
