My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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