I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
