do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
