Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
