Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Drunk walkin through police station. America
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
