I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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