im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
