lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
