I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
