What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
