don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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