fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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