worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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