I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
