i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
