There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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