Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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