You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
