When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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