So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
