i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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