i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
