apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
