I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
