well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
