Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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