Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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