i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
