I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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