I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
