my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
