I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
soo... how was my night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
