Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
