I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my phone needs a breathalizer
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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