You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
