if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
