so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
