Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
