Already got asked if we're dating
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
