bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
